Mai oh Mai, these concoctions can knock you for a loop

I don’t know exactly what Trader Vic’s put in their Mai Tais, but the things ought to be served with a warning label. Trader Vic’s legendary concoctions look so cute and innocent in their little tiki glasses, garnished with pineapple, cherries and mint, and they taste fruity and delicious, I didn’t think one could hurt me. Or two. Or three.

I’m pretty sure I woke up still drunk the next morning.

I’ve had “mai tais” at other bars—notably my friend Colleen’s version made with Sunny D—but they pale in comparison to the boozerific punch in the O.G. Trader Vic’s version. Victor Bergeron, the man better known as “Trader Vic,” allegedly served this concoction to some Tahitian friends back in the day, who proclaimed “Mai tai roa ae!” which loosely translates as “holy shit, that’s an awesome cocktail!” The rest is history.

The original Trader Vic’s opened in my hometown of Oakland in the 1930s, eventually burgeoning into an international empire in the 1950s and 60s. They opened their first Chicago location at the Palmer House Hilton in 1957, and operated there for almost fifty years. Their new State Street place is only a few weeks old, but it’s got a seriously swank tiki vibe: the U-shaped restaurant curves around a courtyard garden with a gazebo and a couple of mammoth stone Polynesian deities who look like they’re freezing their tropical butts off in the middle of Chicago winter. It’s nice and warm inside, however, and there’s plenty of hot, boozy drinks, including the Coffee Grog, served in a “headhunters mug.”  It’s pretty hard to resist the kitschy classic appeal of the Trader Vic’s cocktail menu. Taking home the plastic bird garnish in the Potted Parrot is almost as fun as digging the toy out of the cereal box when you were a kid.

The food is well worth sampling, as well. A giant wood-burning Chinese oven is displayed inside a glassed-in niche in the middle of the restaurant, with a brave chef occasionally emerging to fetch delicious grilled meats from its smoldering interior. I ordered the wasabi-encrusted filet mignon and told them to cook it “as rare as is legal”; the tender, juicy beef was quite possibly the best thing I’ve eaten in 2009. There’s also a full menu of yummy bar snacks like crab rangoon and crispy prawns served with hot Chinese mustard and a spicy house sauce. Plus, a sushi menu debuts later this year.

It might be freezing outside, but visiting Trader Vic’s is like a foray to a mini tropical paradise. Trust me: rum tastes better served out of an earthenware tiki bowl. Just make sure you have cab fare home, because those fruity drinks are sweet but deadly!

Trader Vic’s, 1030 N. State St., 312-642-6500, Sun.–Thurs. 4 p.m.–midnight; Fri.-Sat. 4 p.m.–1 a.m.